A Revelation About Downsizing

The story that led me to help others downsize.

I grew up in a home in the Midwest. It was a nice house, especially for the 1970’s, and the home was the center of my entire life. That’s where my friends came to hang out in my bedroom, I learned to drive, had my first date, and went off to college. After that, I moved to another state. I started my life in California but visited my family a few times a year. Even so, that home and its memories have remained a large part of my life even though I haven’t stepped foot in it in over thirty years.

After three of the four kids were out of the house, and the school district was the same, my parents moved. They moved to a bigger house, which is hard to imagine. My sister lived with them until she went to college. Within a few years, my father was diagnosed with cancer and lived only a short time. My mom, now a widow at a young age, lived her days in an enormous house where she could find no comfort. The house was too big, had few memories (the ones she did have were about illness), and all her kids were gone. She, instead of downsizing as the kids left home, had upsized with my father. For her, it wasn’t a great thing to be left a widow in that house. She eventually remarried, sold the house, and moved into the house she and her then-husband lived. It was a nice size, smaller than the house she had lived in, but large by most standards. It was well decorated and appointed and she seemed to love that house. It was a good fit.

Fast forward thirty years after becoming a widow for the second time.

Fast forward thirty years later, and a widow again, my mother now lives in a house that is too big for her. This was the house she shared with her second husband. It has two levels and a basement which is finished with an additional bedroom, two bathrooms, and a den. The basement is the size of an apartment and would be a good living space had she put in a full kitchen when she remodeled. But she didn’t. For that reason, and because she is getting older, she now has a chair that takes her up and down from the basement to the first floor. On the first floor, she does all of her living. She hasn’t been up to the third floor for several years as she can’t walk her steps any longer.

Why stay?

Recently she and I went on a little vacation and stayed in a three bedroom apartment. It was well appointed, the rooms were adequately distanced so as not to disturb one another, and two bathrooms. The kitchen was new, the perfect amount of space and storage, with a den directly off it. There was also a good-sized laundry room. To me, this is the perfect amount of space for my mom. If she moved to this type of apartment, she would need very little furniture. In addition, she would be able to tidy up each morning in a matter of minutes. This environment would also help her be more independent. She could bring her small dog with her and have enough space for the two of them. The apartment we visited was light, bright, and cheery with a beautiful patio terrace. What could be better? Still, she is paralyzed by thinking about a change. She is actually paralyzed by thinking about downsizing. 

My mom’s current house is like a noose around her neck. She has carpet that repeatedly needs to be cleaned because the dog has accidents. There are too many rooms that she never enters. She has floors that need to be kept up and windows and doors that need to be cleaned. She has gardening and mowing that needs to be done weekly. In other words, her upkeep is high, her repair bills are high since the house is thirty years old, and she is constantly hiring someone to fix something that has broken. She must have someone come to change her light bulbs because she can’t use her shoulder. Yet, she still doesn’t want to move.

What is holding her back from downsizing?

What holds us back from downsizing after we have different needs from years prior when a home served us but no longer does? I think some of it is memories, although in this house she lived with her second husband, to whom she was married a short time before his passing. Is it that she thinks moving is too much work? Hello. I’m her daughter. A professional organizer. I can get her house packed up in no time. Is it financial? I think to move to an apartment is a financial win since the repairs on this house are so high. But right now, finances don’t seem to enter the picture. No. I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think it's that she doesn’t want to move because moving to a smaller place makes her feel that she’s getting older. Which she is. And so is everyone else. It’s life.

What does downsizing really mean?

Moving or downsizing has some connotations that some people don’t find appealing. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to move, she says, “I’ll think about it.” Which means no. I ask her repeatedly why she doesn’t want to make the move when, clearly, her current house is way too big for her and needs a fresh set of eyes and energy. Is it because she’s comfortable there? I think she could be just as comfortable, if not more so, in a smaller space.

I don’t know the answer and it’s a question for organizers to think about when they are working with the senior population. What would make the difference? What would make her feel comfortable in her move? What would make her say a hearty, “Yes?” “Maybe in a few years,” she tells me. She is 84, almost 85. By that time, it will be harder and more difficult to make the change. Would living a life that is easier to manage make her life better? I think so. But I’m her daughter and can’t force her to change. In the meantime, we manage, cross our fingers that she doesn’t fall, or that she can take care of the things as she can. 

Swedish Death Cleaning is a real thing.

Just like in the blog about Swedish Death Cleaning, we all need to look at our mortality and realize that it is inevitable. The concept of Swedish Death Cleaning really resonates with me because I don’t want to make my life interfere with someone else’s. Right now, what is interfering with my mother’s life is fear. While I realize it is not my decision to make for her, if I were in her situation, I would most likely make a different decision. While getting old is not for the faint of heart, it is a reality. And while I want to be the supportive daughter, sometimes the stress of watching someone age in a home that is too big for them is a constant worry.

I’ve discussed this with friends my age, so I know I am not alone. Some of my friend’s parents have moved to smaller homes. Some have moved to assisted living. Some have full-time help. Whatever the decision, we are here to support you if this situation resonates with you, too. Give us a call if you want to talk about downsizing. We have a lot of experience with this type of move and understand its dynamics.